i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
