That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
