I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
