Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
