who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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