Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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