Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
