I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
