I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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