I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
