Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
