watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
