My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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