if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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