i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
