my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
