you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
