Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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