I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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