Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
