I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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