she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
