I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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