Church boner. Awkwardddd
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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