im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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