Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
