my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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