This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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