I just pynch a tree in the face
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
