Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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