where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
