Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
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Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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