i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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