you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
