Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
