You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
