hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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