had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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