Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
