erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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