I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
