I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
