i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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