Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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