my phone needs a breathalizer
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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