you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
