I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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