Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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