apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
