fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
