ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
