I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You ruined the universe
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
