My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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