I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
