There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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