I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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